Senate Confirmation Rules

SENATE RULES XXIV,

PARAGRAPHS 1-9:

CONFIRMATION OF

A PRESIDENTIAL

NOMINEE.

BY ITAMAR MOSES

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1. Whenever the name of a nominee shall be submitted, its introduction shall, if objected to, be postponed for one day or, if there are no objections, for two days.

2. (a) When the name of a nominee has been introduced, the Presiding Officer, having taken the chair, and a quorum being present, shall immediately bring the chair back from wherever he has taken it, unless by motion the return of the chair shall be waived, the question being, "Shall the Presiding Officers bring back the chair he took?" which question shall be deemed privileged and proceeded with until disposed of, i.e. the question, not the chair, excepting as provided for in subparagraph (b).

(b) The chair itself can also be disposed of, too, sure, in the event that the Presiding Officer's doctor said this might be better for his back.

3. (a) The 'chair question' having been satisfactorily resolved, the Senate shall proceed immediately to an up or down vote on the nominee, excepting as provided for in subparagraph (b).

(b) Just kidding, the Senate will not proceed immediately to a vote. First, the President must submit the recommended forms, 'recommended' in this case meaning whatever forms each Senator happens to request. The recommended (i.e. required) forms may include but are totally totally not limited to:

• Certificate of Appointment of Nominee

• Certificate of Authenticity of Certificate of Appointment of Nominee

• Certificate of Authenticity for At Least Two Items of Sports Memorabilia (e.g. Significant Home Run Ball and Lock of Athlete's Hair)

• Certificate of Deposit of Monies into Coffers of Requesting Senator's Home State

• Certificate of Ownership of a 1991 Mazda Protégé

• Photo of the President Shaking Hands with a Firefighter

The President may, if he so chooses, divide his staff into two teams to complete the scavenger hunt. The winning team shall receive a pizza party.

(c) The required recommended forms having been duly submitted, their introduction shall immediately, and without delay, be postponed indefinitely until such time as everyone sort of has the sense that it's been long enough. Whatever. It's not a science. You sort of know it when you feel it.

4. Vacay! Everyone takes six weeks off.

5. Okay. So. Each member of the Senate having used the forms as they see fit, for instance as kindling, or to write reminders on the back of to themselves of stuff they might otherwise have forgotten to do, the Senate shall now at long last proceed, immediately, to an up or down vote on the, haha, no, but really, they are nowhere near voting at this point, just relax, okay? So, no, seriously guys, next this happens:

6. (a) The Nominee having been brought before the Senate for questioning, and having answered three riddles of increasingly fiendish complexity, and thus not having been devoured by the Manticore, shall immediately, and without any delay whatsoever, begin counting to fifty million billion trillion. During which counting, the Presiding Officer shall announce, "And if you mess up, guess what, you get devoured by the Manticore."

(b) In absence of a Manticore (like, say, if they've been hunted to extinction, because someday it will be a long time from now and we, the Founding Fathers who are writing these Rules and Regulations, have a lot of foresight, and let's face it anything can happen) the Presiding Officer may simply smite the Nominee with his cutlass blade. If people aren't even using cutlasses anymore, well, then, we're at a loss. Next you'll be telling me that one of the Presidents coming up a long time from now will be Ronald Reagan. The actor.

7. Roll the dice. If you roll a six, return to step 2. If you roll anything other than a six, return to step 1.

8. Seriously, what are things like in the future? Like, if you're not using cutlasses anymore, then how the heck do people kill each other? Probably with some kind of laboratorium scientifico freeze ray, right? And I bet you don't even walk from place to place anymore but rather fly around on the backs of your slaves. Actually, slightly more than half of us are pretty sure that slavery is wrong, so we're assuming that we eventually found the courage to abolish it, probably with little or no fuss, but in case we pussed out and it's still around, I guess you could make good arguments on both sides. Well, that's not true, but who knows? Like we said before anything is possible. We still have freaking Manticores back here

9. Thusly, with all of the above rules having been correctly followed and all requirements having been met, the Senate shall, at that very instant, pausing neither for breath nor something alliterative with 'breath' that we'll add in later when we think of it... bone, maybe? No, that doesn't make sense. But anyhow, right away, and for real this time, the Senate shall vote on the Nominee. And they shall vote 'No.' Better luck next time, Mr. President.

Food Reviews* From McSweeney's

Egg-on-a-stick

Submitted by Betsy Finesilver

Food-on-a-stick is a good idea. As a kid, I loved food that was served on sticks, like corn dogs and Popsicles. As an adult, I see more advantages than just the excitement of holding a stick stuck into something edible. Food-on-a-stick has the benefit of utility. For example, I recently visited the Illinois State Fair, where one can participate in all sorts of amazing rural adventures, such as milking a cow. However, these adventures make your hands dirty. Thankfully, the majority of food at the Illinois State Fair is available on a stick, and therefore you do not even need to worry about washing your hands before eating.

At the Illinois State Fair, I received two free eggs-on-sticks when I purchased a salad. This was by far the food-on-a-stick I was most interested in trying. Had they offered me a free hard-boiled egg sans stick, I probably would have said, "Eh, no thanks." But hard-boiled-egg-on-a-stick sounded so intriguing I couldn't say no. Thankfully, I wasn't disappointed. Eating the egg-on-a-stick was very pleasant. In fact, in some ways, the egg-on-a-stick was superior to an egg-not-on-a-stick. Namely, the ability to rotate the egg via the stick enabled me to salt the outside of the egg evenly without resorting to rolling the egg in salt I'd sprinkled on a plate.

In the end, the friend I shared my eggs-on-sticks with reviewed this food in a very accurate way. "You know," he said, "egg-on-a-stick doesn't really taste any different than egg-not-on-a-stick." Technically, he's right. Whether a hard-boiled egg is on a stick or not, the white part will be rubbery and slimy, while the mustard-colored yoke will be crumbly. Yet the refreshing addition of the stick made eating the egg a much more exciting experience.

What will be next? Chicken-on-a-stick? I can only hope so. Or maybe chicken-on-a-stick came first.

Update:

White Chocolate Reese's Peanut Butter Cups

Submitted by Alycia Yerves

They have them in white now.

Update II:

Snickers Duo

Submitted by Chris Hicks

I was so excited when they released these here in the U.K. Finally, I thought, a Snickers that's big enough to share but easy to divide. No more tendrils of snarled caramel. No more lost peanuts. I will peel the wrapper in the middle, revealing two neat halves, and that will be the end of the division. Any friend would gladly accept such an offer.

But I was wrong. It seems that, at 4 a.m., in a petrol-station forecourt, the potential friends I'm shouting at are not put off by the unhygienic implications of a hand-broken king-size Snickers: they're put off by my desperation. And my sobbing.

So, Mars, fuck you. I felt better casually tearing off a hunk of a kingdom than offering half of an unwanted meal for two.

Update III: (I can't stop!)

Croatian Crackers With Pâté (Podravka)

Submitted by Zainah Usman

If cotton were spun into a biscuit, and that biscuit began to ooze, and the ooze smelled like a desk drawer, then you'd have Podravka, the Croatian cracker with liver pâté. Thanks, Croatia!

*updated

Fetch The Crayons,Timothy

EXCERPTS FROM
THE COLLECTED
ANSWERING-MACHINE
MESSAGES OF LYRICIST
TIM RICE.

BY JULIE KLAUSNER AND RACHEL SHUKERT

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August 12, 1967

Timothy? Is that vous? Fetch the crayons, Timothy. It's Andy Lloyd Webber. Guess what I have? A ghastly idea for a show. I'll need you to make some sketches. Crayons, Timothy! Now: Joseph. Not Stalin! The Jew, from the Bible. Yes, Tim, I read the Bible every day. But this is new! I mean old! Old Testament. Ahem. Do you know what Joseph had that we don't? I'll give you a hint. A waistcoat? No! A dreamcoat! A coat made of dreams. It was red and yellow and green and brown and purple and gold and ochre and green and blond and black and poop and pee and cinnamon red and red and red and dragons and bugs and teeth and teal and lemon and black and white and mauve ... Where was I? Oh, yes. Dictation, Timothus! We need to discuss the Joseph Stalin musical set in Jewish times with Jews, remember? Get out your grease pencil. There will be a narrator. The narrator will be played by a sprightly he/she in harem trousers and a fez. She—or is it "shim"?—will look exactly like Markie Post. Who is Markie Post? I don't know, Tim! I don't know! But the name came to me in a dream. Do you know what this means, Timaphus? I'm a prophet! A prophet! A—

(Speech is drowned out by the sound of rushing water. A bloodcurdling scream, then silence. Beep.)

Why Your Kids Suck At Soccer

Very funny stuff from McSweeney's:

WHAT PARENTS
MUST ASSUME I'M
SAYING TO MY YOUTH
SOCCER TEAM.
BY BEN JOSEPH

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Lucky break, Tigers—I talked to the ref and, for the next five minutes, we get a point every time we blow all the seeds off a dandelion in a single try. Go, Jenny, go!

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James, I don't care if your father played soccer at Duke. It's my job to make sure you're a huge disappointment to him. Now pretend you're a magic airplane or else.

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Nelson, watch out! The ball is now a horrible, child-eating monster and the only way to defeat it is by running away and crying.

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Ralph! Hear me raise my voice slightly? Your parents need to come over and explain my shortcomings as a coach and a person.

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Timmy! Nice aggression. I support your decision to give that kid a bloody nose, and you should resolve conflicts similarly at school and at home.

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Nice half, guys! Remember, a true soccer player saves his energy for the sprint to the sideline—especially since I only have enough juice boxes for half of you.

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Now, Christian, we're all about to make assumptions about your future sexuality, so make sure to run that way we practiced.

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Tigers! I'm sure you'd never notice on your own, so I'll point out the apple-juice stain on Tim's crotch that looks suspiciously like urine. Stop what you're doing right now and laugh till he cries.

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Nelson, don't panic, but that monster's back. Put your hands in your pants and pretend not to see it and you may survive.

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Good game, guys. Remember: It doesn't matter whether you win or lose. What matters is that you all played worse than the Joneses' kid.

Elf Local 315

From McSweeney's:

Finally, shop stewards continue to disappear at an alarming rate. The latest to go missing is Blotto Bugberry, who vanished without a trace on November 28. The usual rumors of elf bells turning up in reindeer droppings are already making the rounds, but the safety commissioner has found no evidence to support such claims and urges all members to refrain from alarmist talk.

ELF UNION
NEWSLETTER:
DECEMBER 2008.
BY MIKE RICHARDSON-BRYAN

Meeting Update

Over 300 members attended the meeting of November 15, 2008. Most were clearly drunk, and some continued to drink throughout the meeting. Boisterous refrains of bawdy drinking songs did little to expedite union business.

We heard a special presentation by Huffy Hugabug of the Pixie Dust Abuse Hotline. Members were instructed how to recognize the signs of pixie-dust addiction. Half an hour was wasted searching the room for a sample dime bag that predictably went missing during the look-and-learn segment of the presentation.

It was once again proposed that we amend Section 29 of the constitution. Several members convincingly argued that a strident call for the destruction of Israel has no place in the constitution of a labor union. As usual, Tinky Muhammad al-Tunklenut rose to the defense of Section 29, and the matter was referred to committee yet again.

Ten new members took the Toymaker's Oath. Three current members were presented with their journeyman letters. One member was subjected to a prolonged chair beating for reasons not reflected in the minutes.

Notices

The next general meeting will be held on Friday, January 16, 2009, at 7 p.m. in the Lodge Hall.

The Occupational Health and Safety Committee will offer a ladder-safety refresher course on Friday, January 9, 2009, at 9 a.m. in the Lodge Hall. All members less than 5 apples tall must attend in order to maintain their certification.

The Elfwives Auxiliary will hold an all-day bake sale on Saturday, January 27, 2009, at the North Pole Fire Hall. Proceeds will go to benefit the Elf Amputee Society, the Severe Burns Survivors Network, and the Belt Sander Accident Awareness Coalition.

The Elvish Mental Health Society will present a workshop on multiple-personality disorder on Friday, January 23, 2009, at 7 p.m. in the Lodge Hall. The guest speaker will be Dr. Fig Foofaraw, best-selling author of Me, My Elf, and I.

The annual toy drive has once again been canceled, due to outright hostility and some arson.

Workplace Health and Safety Update

The following elves were killed on the job in November:

* Durnk Dumblebum: overcome by fumes in the Play-Doh silo

* Pongo Plumfoot: asphyxiated on the Mr. Potato Head line after becoming lodged in the ear chute

* Nudge Nickwick: death by the Marburg virus, contracted during research-and-development work on the Actual Barrel of Actual Monkeys prototype

* Snuggy Snufflebottom: succumbed to Nerf lung

* Nobby Niblick: thrown from a rocking horse into an unattended punch press

* Pip Pennypants: incinerated in a suspicious Easy-Bake Oven accident

* Boffo Boggins: mauled by a feral Furby

In addition, Cubby Crumbpot, Pudge Proudtoe, and Winky Whippoorwill were all killed in the deplorable nail-gun fight of November 3.

Finally, shop stewards continue to disappear at an alarming rate. The latest to go missing is Blotto Bugberry, who vanished without a trace on November 28. The usual rumors of elf bells turning up in reindeer droppings are already making the rounds, but the safety commissioner has found no evidence to support such claims and urges all members to refrain from alarmist talk.

Ask the Expert

Each month, our own resident expert on labor law, Conker Cobnobble, answers letters from members just like you.

Dear Conker,

I'm having trouble with a co-worker. He's not a bad elf, but he's always using my tools and then misplacing them. Should I hire a goblin to kill the bastard, or should I do it myself?

Yours truly,
Short and Angry

Dear Short and Angry,

Killing a co-worker is something we all enjoy, and no self-respecting elf should pass up the opportunity to thin the herd himself. If detection is an issue, however, then hiring a pro is perfectly acceptable. If you do decide to go with a goblin, remember that it's half now, half later, no exceptions. Just to be sure, you might want to hire a troll to whack the goblin later on, because you know what those guys are like when they hit the pub with a pocketful of blood money. Better torch the pub, too.

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Do you have a question for Conker? Send it to Ask the Expert, Elf Local 315, Lodge Hall, North Pole.

Nuvopor: Medicine, Not French

New Anxiety
Medications
for Coping With
Economic Gloom.

BY PETER SCALLION

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Debtrol

Downcyclen

Subprimacare

Lehmanax

Delinquedent

Panix

Nojoblin

Greedquil

Feariflu

Defaulta

Forclosen

Banxergon

Nuvopor

Catastrophex

Hysterian

Maxedoutrin

Stoxadon

Colapsin

Dowoff

Scamagan

Defeatra

Corruptol

Retirelator