Showing posts with label humor ?. Show all posts
Showing posts with label humor ?. Show all posts

8/24/12

Everything Is So Fucked

Have you ever visited Annotated Rant? It's hilarious. My favorite is Fuck The South.

I saw a similar rant recently and wanted to share it with you. It's from a Millennial (I assume) in response to The Atlantic's recent article on why Millenials aren't buying anything (cuz their cheap). The following rant explains it's not cuz they're cheap:

Why Millennials aren’t buying cars or houses, and what that means for the economy

HAHA NO MONAY!!!!!

Maybe our generation aren’t buying houses and cars because EVERYTHING IS SO FUCKED

You want us to actually talk to bank people and get home loans and auto loans? They are still fucking us! Any time I go into a bank, I feel disgusted. You want me to do MORE business with the who want to charge me 5 dollars for every single swipe of my debit card? Get fucked!

You think I’m gonna buy a car? A car? Where am I gonna get the money for a car and the insurance and the insurance against the insurance company if God forbid they decide to do the same things they did to the poor Fisher family and countless others? And fucking GAS? Are you crazy? The planet is dying, and you want me to buy gas at $FUCK.YOU/gallon?

In the past 5 years since the economy fell apart, we’ve been adapting. We’ve been listening to countless horror stories of those who made the risk. Those who saved and did it right, and still ended up with an inferior product with inferior service that RUINS YOUR LIFE. It’s not like ordering a pizza, and instead of sausage, you get cheese. It’s like ordering a pizza and then your credit is ruined and you are flat broke. The pains of acquisition aren’t worth it if it can all be taken away like a bureaucratic fart in the bathtub. It would be smarter to save our money for tickets to god-damn Mars than to invest in these hideous, broken systems.

We aren’t cheap. We fucking hate doing business with you people.

All these pieces on Millennials are so mired in confusion since we don’t even trust journalists any more. The news, our entire lives, has been scary. Think about being 8 and processing the deaths of abortion doctors or homegrown terrorism. Now try to process the news when every asshole on camera just lies. The news hasn’t had an ounce of truth in it for 10 years. Can you not understand how much we don’t trust anyone who is older than us? How can you trust anybody when the president and vice-president of the United States lied to the Secretary of State so they could START THE WRONG WAR!

Fucking seriously.

Also, that graphic? Is that what you think we all look like? Are you fucking kidding me, Atlantic?

I hope they never find out how to market to us. I hope we splinter so much that companies like Ford will have to make a decent product instead of asking the Vomit Spouts that created Jersey Shore how to create MORE fantasies about how great THINGS will make your life. We don’t attach to things because things break. We saw everything break.

But, that’s just me.
h/t TFTT

2/26/11

"Burn books in front of them"

I think I have come across the answer to our education woes. I used to read The New Republic all the time, then I stopped. Then Diane Ravitch tweeted a link to a story about Michelle Rhee at TNR and I read it. It was pretty light. But, a comment by a reader struck me as a novel way to improve education outcomes. It's pretty brilliant:
Forbid children to go to school. Make them work in the fields. Make school a forbidden delight (like sex, drugs, texting). Prohibit them from reading. Burn books in front of them. To get to school they will have to sneak out at night, with books hidden under their clothes. Shoot live ammunition over their heads as they scurry through the fields to get to school. When they do get to school, clones of Michelle Rhee will drag bad teachers out of the classrooms or abuse the mediocre ones in front of the horrified children.

4/2/10

There's A Complete Moron In Congress!

I know, duh. But this is amazing. The dude is worried Guam might capsize.

3/15/10

Quote Of The Day: Alan Grayson

From Alan Grayson for Congress:
"I look forward to an honest debate with Governor Palin on the issues, in the unlikely event that she ever learns anything about them..."

5/24/09

The Zubaydah Waterboard Transcript

The following is a transcript of notes taken at the interrogation of Al Qaeda operative Abu Zubaydah. It was released by the C.I.A. at the request of Vice President Dick Cheney in order to demonstrate the effectiveness of enhanced interrogation techniques approved by the president.

1. Ha! Is this waterboard supposed to scare me? You think I don’t know that you are constrained by U.S. and international law from ever actually …

2. Hey! What the [redacted]?!

3. No, seriously. What the [redacted]?!

4. You’re Americans! Who do you think you are? Us?

5. You can’t do this! Show me the authorization for you to do this!

6. Wow. O.K., technically, you can do this. Although the quality of the legal work in these memos is shoddy at …

7. Enough! I beg of you! Stop the torture!

8. O.K., fine. Then stop the “enhanced technique!”

9. Please! For the love of God, I can’t take any more of this harsh treatment which does not rise to the level of torture!

10. Could you loosen my left medieval iron shackle? It’s digging in.

11. You’re not even doing it right! You have to tilt the head forward so that the victim’s throat is …

12. Fine! Fine! Do it your way! But don’t blame me if I don’t experience the unspeakable horror of my own imminent death.

13. Is that a video camera?

14. It is! You’re filming this?

15. Wait—am I being Punk’d? Ashton? Really, Ashton …

16. Are you going to post this on the Web? Because I can hook you up with the guy who does our online work.

17. You’re wasting your time! I already told those F.B.I. guys everything I know!

18. I’m telling you, I don’t know anything else!

19. I don’t know anything!

20. I don’t know anything!

21. I don’t know anything!

22. Would you tell that bald guy in the corner to stop grinning?

23. Still don’t know anything.

24. Reply hazy, try again.

25. Ask again later.

26. Better not tell you now.

27. Cannot predict now.

28. Concentrate and ask again.

29. Nothing.

30. Nada.

31. Drawing a blank.

32. Honestly, I’d love to help, but …

33. Nothing is springing immediately to mind.

34. Thirty-fourth time’s a charm?

35. I get it. Waterboard me once, shame on you. Waterboard me 35 times, shame on …

36. For the last time, I don’t know anything!

37. O.K.! O.K.! I do know things! Lots of things! Like Osama Bin Laden … loves … yogurt.

38. Actually, he’s a vegan! He takes a lot of ribbing for it from the guys …

39. No good? O.K., listen. There is a ticking time bomb in Grand Central Station! If you hurry you can stop it!

40. How should I know where? Just listen until you hear the ticking!

41. Well, you put me on the spot! Give me a few minutes, I’ll come up with something more plausible.

42. O.K., fine. Fine. I’ll tell you whatever you want to know. What do you want to know?

43. Never mind. I’ll guess. You want to know about … a plot.

44. An operation!

45. A conspiracy?

46. An intrigue!

47. An infiltration!

48. A dust-up! A brouhaha! A kerfuffle!

49. For the love of God, give me a hint!

50. A finger? Why is the bald guy holding up a …

51. One finger … one finger … First word! First word! Three syllables!

52. Two syllables! Sorry—my vision is a little blurry. First syllable … frown! Frowning!

53. Angry?

54. Unhappy.

55. Disconsolate.

56. Morose.

57. Sad! Sad? Yes! Second syllable … ear!

58. Crap! Sounds like! Sounds like! Sounds like … oink?

59. Pig? Sounds like pig?

60. Eating pig! Pork!

61. Sausage!

62. Bacon!

63. Chitterlings!

64. Prosciutto?

65. Ham! Ham! Sounds like ham! Sad Ham! Sad ham?

66. SADDAM! Saddam Hussein! It’s Saddam Hussein! So what about him?

67. O.K. … nine fingers. Ten fingers.

68. Eleven! Nine. Eleven … Twenty?

69. Wait. I got it! Nine-eleven! You want me to implicate Saddam Hussein in the attacks of 9/11? But that’s ridiculous. Osama and Saddam never so much as …

70. You know, now that you mention it, I think I may remember a telegram …

71. Phone conversation …

72. Email exchanges …

73. Series of coffees?

74. Lunch on the verandah of the Basra Palace!

75. Fantasy football league!

76. They were lovers! Saddam and Osama were lovers!

77. O.K.! Enough! I’ll tell you everything! The truth is, Saddam Hussein and Osama Bin Laden were engaged in a high-level operational relationship to coordinate the transfer of conventional weapons …

78. Chemical weapons …

79. Biological weapons …

80. Nuclear weapons? You expect anyone to believe …

81. But Saddam didn’t have any …

82. … nuclear weapons to terrorists who intended to use them to destroy a major American city and were saved by the brave actions of your American president, George Bush! We good?

83. Bastards.
h/t NYO

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