Obama Quits Race!!

Late breaking pseudo-serious news alert!!! Please expand. Please expand....

In the wake of an epic financial meltdown that threatens to derail the U.S. economy for years, Barack Obama announced he was ending his run for President of the United States, declaring to a stunned nation, “Man, this is bullshit.”

In a boisterous and hastily-called press conference, Obama detailed his reasons for the decision. “I was prepared to fight global warming, reform the health care system, repair our crumbling roads, create a 21st century electric grid, find Bin Laden, end the war in Iraq, and bring peace to Israel and the Palestinians. But now you tell me I have to clean up the worst financial mess since the Great Depression too? One that’s going to plunge our economy into a recession for most of my administration while I take the blame? Fuck that. That’s fucking ridiculous. You guys clean up your own shit. I’m outta here.”

He elaborated: “From the time I was a little boy, I dreamt of being President one day. Of having the power and resources to enact a bold vision for the country, to set this great land on a path to a better future. Now we’re fucking broke. What the hell can I do when we’re $9 trillion in debt and got 1 billion Chinese hankering to cash their IOUs? I can’t even buy a three-fingered handjob now.”

Obama also revealed that he previously thought about quitting when Sen. McCain picked Gov. Palin as a running mate (”What is this, a reality TV show?”), when the media covered the faux lipstick-on-a-pig scandal for two days straight (”Why would I call her a pig? She’s a fucking MILF, for Christ’s sake”), and when he realized he was still neck and neck with McCain in the polls in spite of being his opponent’s superior in every possible metric and running as the exact opposite of one of the worst administrations in U.S. history.

Obama took no questions from reporters. After reading his statement, he threw his suit jacket on the ground, made an obscene gesture to the press corp, and dashed out a back exit, where he hopped on a motorcycle and yelled “See ya, bitches, I’m off to do my wife” as he rode away.

The new de facto leader of the Presidential race, Sen. John McCain, was unaware of the development until told about it by a reporter. When asked how he felt about Obama quitting, McCain replied: “Senator Obama would like to fool the American people that he is the quitter in this race. He’s not. I already quit in 2005, well before Obama even thought of quitting. That’s quitting you can believe in.”

It is unknown at this time where Sen. Biden will replace Obama at the top of the ticket, but it is unlikely as the Obama campaign announced plans to return all unspent money to its supporters along with a 20% off coupon to flights to Canada.

h/t Pancake City